


Hellspawn in Pea Town

by ModernWizard



Series: The Demon's Daughter [8]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: And their fabulous Goth daughter Taysha, F/M, Gay dads, Gaycation, Gen, Gender Identity, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Goth - Freeform, Heck the Goth, Heck the witch formerly known as Warlock, Hellspawn Dowling, Lapsed Catholics, Other, Provincetown, Ptown, Trans Warlock Dowling, Unitarian Universalism, Vacation, Who wants to adopt Hellspawn, gender stuff, heck, satanic nuns - Freeform, trans stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-13 00:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20573468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: [In which Heck is 7.] Hellspawn Dowling's dad Thaddeus J. Yuck checks out of a family vacation to Provincetown, Massachusetts, 2 days before they're about to leave. Harriet, feeling shaky in her contentious marriage, doesn't want to go alone with her...uh...hellspawn of a kid. And so the inimitable Nanny J. Ashtoreth accompanies Hellspawn and Harriet to a weeklong stay in the queerest town on the Eastern seaboard. Heck learns a lot about her rights, her options, herself, her mom, and her governess.





	1. The Very VERY Private Book of Hellspawn Dowling

**Author's Note:**

> All my love to Ptown! <3 <3 And all my love to everyone out there who never had Heck's opportunity for such a fabulous and educational trip. May your life be full of Nanny Astoreths, Francises, and Harriets, and thoroughly devoid of Thaddeus J. Flyswatters!
> 
> I have chosen to create Heck's 7-year-old perspective through her subjects, of course, her focuses, thoughts, and feelings. I have also created her voice through word choice, sentence structure, punctuation, and overall organization of her diary entries. I have NOT tried to create her perspective through creative spelling. I don't want to do the research necessary to find out how a very well-read 7-year-old would actually misspell things, which is why you're reading remarkably well spelled, but shittily punctuated, fictional diary entries. Thank you.
> 
> NOTE: This story contains a detailed description of bathroom policing and misgendering. No slurs are used. This story also contains a detailed description of the narrator watching someone nearly drown. This story also contains a mention of suicidality.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck [called Hellspawn here] starts a very VERY private journal because she and her parents are going to Pea Town. We get an explanation of who she is, who's important to her, and why they're going to Pea Town.

This is the very very VERY private book of Hellspawn Dowling age 7.

You should NOT read it if you are not me. But if you are Nanny it is okay. If you are Francis too. But nobody else.

My name is Hellspawn Damien Asmodeus Dowling. But my first name wasn’t Hellspawn. It was Warlock, which is an evil wizard. It has to be a boy. If it’s a girl wizard, it’s a witch.

I don’t know why my mom and dad named me Warlock. I was a very little baby. I was not good. I was not evil. I was crying. And sleeping. And nursing. They don’t know if I would be a warlock.

Maybe my mom and dad want an evil wizard. That's why I’m Warlock. I don’t know. Also Damien is some boy from a horror movie. He is possessed by the devil. Which is made up. Also he rides his bike in the house, which is dumb. Nanny says that’s not safe. And Asmodeus is a demon. Which is a mean wizard from hell. Which is made up.

So maybe they want an evil wizard. Maybe a boy from a horror movie. They want me to ride my bike inside. They want a demon. They want a bad boy who is not safe.

I don’t want to be a bad boy. I don’t want to ride my bike inside. I’m not a bad boy.

Nanny says I’m Anti Christ. But that isn’t a name. It’s a title. Like Nanny = governess. Francis = gardener. I thought Anti Christ was evil Jesus because anti is for not and christ is for Jesus. But it’s not evil. I don’t want to be bad, so Nanny said it’s not evil Jesus. It’s not bad, it’s just not Jesus. But that doesn’t mean bad. Like Nanny and Francis are not Jesus, and they are not bad. There are a lot of people who aren’t Jesus. Some are good. Some are bad. I’m Anti Christ, but I’m not evil.

Anti Christ is someone with power. I’m going to rule the world when it’s destroyed. But it won’t be destroyed. I’ll stop it. Then me and Mom and Dad and Nanny and Francis will all live together. And I’ll rule the world. But maybe not. That would be a lot of work. Maybe Nanny can do it.

I want to be nice Anti Christ. Not a warlock. Not a demon. Not a bad boy. I want to be a witch!

I want to be a witch like Nanny. She is a witch because she is weird. She has all black. Even in the garden. Also her eyes are yellow but they aren’t contacts. She has weird pupils up and down. She has a weird tongue too. I think. I haven’t seen all of it.

She does weird things like magic. She makes the flowers move. Flowers aren’t supposed to wiggle, but they wiggle with her. 

Also once I climbed a tree and fell down and bled a lot. She said don’t cry. She snapped her fingers and it went away! I was very shocked. I said was it magic? She said shhh and smiled. Which means yes.

I did not tell all the story of my name. Which is Hellspawn a nickname but better than Warlock. Hellspawn means kid from hell, but it can be good. Like Anti Christ. 

Nanny and Francis say little Hellspawn! It’s a nickname like for when you love someone. Like Francis said my dear demonic darling and Nanny blushed. Hellspawn is for love, but Warlock isn’t. Which is why I said Hellspawn.

Nanny and Francis don’t want an evil wizard. They don’t want a boy who is not safe. They want good Anti Christ Hellspawn. Maybe I can be a good witch Anti Christ.

I want to be a witch like Nanny. Then I can do weird things with weird powers. And look just like her.

— 

I started this book because we are going to Pea Town. Pea Town is in the US in Massachusetts. It is way way out on the end of the hook of the cape. Cape Cod.

There is lots of things to do there. There are beaches for swimming and a whale watch and sailboats and a Why da shipwreck museum. And lots of stores on Commercial Street and bookstores and antiques and restaurants. You can go up a Pilgrims tower and see the view. The Atlantic Ocean is all around, almost like you are on an island. Also a Semens Bank, but it’s not from a penis. Mom said. 

Mom says this trip is for family time. Me and Mom and Dad because we did not have enough. That’s why she made it. Also making memories. Like she did when she was a girl and her family went there. I don’t know. It is a whole week in a cabin, which is very very very small. 

She went with Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve and Grandma and Grandpa every summer in a row from when she was 4 to 15. They went to the house on Cape Cod. Which was a big house in Hyannisport like a summer camp. But not on the ocean. They stayed there most of the summer. But they always went a week to Pea Town. 

They always stayed in a cabin. Except for when Mom was my age. They tried camping. Mom really didn’t like camping. It was cold at night, even in a tent. You had to pee on the ground. And everything was always dirty. Mom hates dirt.

Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve didn’t like camping either. So Mom got an idea that would get them out of camping. They found some poison ivy. Why is a plant that makes you itch bad if you walk into the leaves. They stepped in it. Then they itched so bad. Grandma decided that they were going to stay in a cabin after that. They never went camping again.

I didn’t know Mom did things like that when she was a kid. Grandma and Grandpa are Catholic. They’re very Catholic about it. So I thought that Mom had to be a very very VERY good girl. I thought she did everything right and good. Because Grandma and Grandpa say my uncles were brats. But Mom was an angel.

But Mom did a very immature thing. It was bratty. I told her it was immature. Were you a brat when you were little? Mom said I suppose that’s one way of putting it.

I don’t like the cabins with Mom and Dad. I can hear them after I go to bed. They don’t know I can hear. They aren’t very happy. 

I said to Nanny and Francis that I want to go to Pea Town with them. Francis said they want to go with me too, but they can’t. It’s special family time. And Nanny said they want some time too. Special Nanny and Francis time. 

I asked will you go on dates? They made noises. I said oh I forgot, you’re married, you can just have sex. They turned very VERY red at that. They said we’re not married. 

But they are. I think they are married but don’t have sex. Which is weird. I thought married people have sex.

We are going to Pea Town for 7 days. I won’t see Nanny and Francis for a whole week. I’m going to miss them a lot. Mom said I could write postcards. But that’s dumb because postcards take too long to get there, and then you’re home already. I’ll just Email pictures and text.

We are going in 3 weeks! That’s less than a month! That’s very soon! I’m very excited.


	2. Preparations for Pea Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the history in Boston, an overview of queer groups and their flags, animals you might see on Cape Cod, and a short history of Ptown, as told by an extremely dorky 7-year-old.

Nanny showed me all the stickers on her car. I knew what the rainbow flag was. But there were other stripes that I didn’t know what they were. She told me all about them. 

They are symbols for struggle. You have to fight if you want rights. No one will give them to you. And they are symbols for pride. Because you survived even though you were fighting and some people even died. Like La Cage Aux Folles. Life’s not worth a damn until you can shout out I am what I am!!!

There was also trans pride, which is blue and pink and a white stripe in the middle. There was also bi pride. Which is pink, then purple in the middle, then blue. 

There was pan pride, which is pink, yellow, light blue. Pan means you have sex with any kind of person you like. 

Ace pride is black, grey, white, purple. Ace means that you don’t want to have sex. Maybe that’s Nanny and Francis.

There was also leather rights, which is black and purple stripes with a white one in the middle and a heart like where the stars on the US flag are. Leather is people who wear leather. It is also people who have different kind of sex than sex for babies. But not gay and lesbian sex. Other kind of sex. Like role play, which is dress up. But you don’t need leather. 

And other stickers. Disabled rights are human rights. And nothing about us without us. And legalize sex work. Fat liberation. No human being is illegal. Keep your church out of my state. Women’s bodies, women’s choices.

I said are you all those? She said not all. But I support anyone who is any of them. I said which ones are you? She said quite a few. But she didn’t say which ones.

She said that Pea Town is a place where queer people go, like gay people and lesbian people and bi people and ace people and leather people and gender people. They said it was a place where lots of queer people felt safe to be queer. So I would see lots of queer people.

There might be people there that looked weird to me or did things that seemed weird to me. But they were not weird in a bad way. Like they were good weird. I said good weird like you and Francis? She said yes. I said then I’ll feel safe there!

It’s too bad they can’t come, then they’d be safe. She said why do you think we’re not safe here? I said one time we were at the park and someone said something to her. I don’t know. You take that back thisssssss inssssssstant! She was shaking. I said to the person don’t be mean! I didn’t feel safe then.

She said that her job was to keep me safe. But I want them to be safe too.

—

Dad has lots of ideas for where to go. He wants to go to Boston because there is a lot of history there. Like the tea party and Paul Revere’s house. 

He wants to go to Harvard. There is a lot of history there too. Also he went there. He said I’ll go there when I’m older. It’s the best school. I don’t want to go to school for vacation. 

He said we can go to Fenway Park to see Red Socks. Which is baseball. Which is boring. He really likes baseball. He talks to the TV about it. It’s boring. I can’t see the ball. 

Boston is in Massachusetts, but not near Pea Town. We would have to take a whole day to go there and back on the ferry. Which I don’t want to do because Pea Town is safe, but Boston isn’t. 

My dad says Boston is safe too. But Nanny and Francis didn’t tell me it was safe like Pea Town. I didn’t tell him that. He is mad when I tell him what they said. They know more than he does.

Mom said this is a P town vacation, not a Boston vacation. Dad said this can be a Boston vacation too. I went into the garden with Nanny and Francis. I hoped that it would be a P town vacation. When I came out, it was! I was very happy.

—

Mom has lists for everything. Grocery list. When everyone’s birthday is. All the staff and what they do and favorite food and birthdays. When holidays are. Her cousins and their kids and their ages. Steps in 5 year self improvement plan. Places she wants to go before she dies. Books she read already. Books she wants to read. Friends. Lists of people she knows but isn’t really close friends with.

All the lists are on paper too. Not her phone. She says writing by pencil is quicker. Also more convenient. Because you might not have your phone, but you always have a piece of paper and something to write with. But everyone I know always has their phone, but not a paper or a pencil.

She said that’s how I think. So it’s like a diary. Or a journal. Like this book. Maybe she keeps her old lists and reads them.

She has lists for Pea Town too. What to do every week to prepare. Emergency contacts. Back-up emergency contacts. Where we’re staying and all the information for it. What to pack for hot weather, cool weather, humid weather, rainy weather, stormy weather. Toiletries which is toothbrush and hairbrush and makeup. All the places she wants to go back to. Places she thinks I’d like. Restaurants to try. Antiques to see. Places we are _ not _ going (gay bars, drag show, leather stores).

I don’t know why she writes so much. She also has a diary. I write a lot too. But not lists.

— 

Francis taught me about the animals in Pea Town and Cape Cod. I am writing it down to remember it. 

Sand dollars are sea urchins with brown shells when they are alive. The shells are called tests. They have 5 holes in them and flowers with 5 petals. That’s radial symmetry like a wheel. The petals are holes where they stick their exoskeletons out to breathe. Their mouths are on the bottom. When they die, the shells turn white. 

It’s against the law to pick up the alive ones. Francis said you should never ever do that anyway. No taking wild animals out of their habitat because they are confused. They can’t find their way home. And you should be nice to animals. Because if they are snakes then they might not bite you.

But you can pick up the dead ones. You can take them home. Mom has some sand dollars from Pea Town in her jewelry box. They are fragile. I touched them.

Horseshoe crabs are not crabs. They are arthropods. They also don’t look like horseshoes. They look like round tanks with a prong on the end. It has 9 eyes which are very sensitive to light when it is night time. The Atlantic ones have 14 legs. They swim upside down. 

They shed their shells like snakes! That’s molting. Maybe we will find some horseshoe shells. They look like little crabs but hollow. I can put them in my snake skin collection.

There are harbor seals in the harbor at Pea Town. They eat the fish from the fishing boats. They are grey and sometimes have spots. They are the size of people. Which is 6 feet long and 175 pounds. They sun themselves on rocks just like snakes, but they are mammals. We might see some swimming on a whale watch.

There are whales you can see on a whale watch, humpback, finback, and minke. They are not fish. They are mammals. You can tell from their bones. They have fingers in their flippers. Which means that they came from land animals. The water is very cold, but they keep warm because they have a lot of fat. Which is blubber.

When you go on a whale watch, you can see them stick their tails out of the water. Also sometimes they do breaching. Which is when they jump straight up out of the water and then flop over onto it. No one knows why they do that. Maybe they are showing off or something. Sometimes they hit the water with their flippers or follow the boats. 

I want to find some sand dollars to take home. Nanny would like one if I colored it black. Or purple. White is too white for her. They can be grave markers in my spider cemetery. 

I want horseshoe shells too. I want to see them alive too. Swimming upside down. I want to see seals because they are sunning themselves like snakes. 

I don’t know about a whale watch. I don’t want a whale to hit the boat. They’re really big. Francis says the whales don’t want to hit the boat. They might come close because they are curious. They have a people watch I said. Francis said yes they do. Humans are not the only curious animals. Seals have people watches too. 

I don’t think snakes have people watches because they can’t see good. But they can smell very good with their tongues. Maybe they have people smells.

I asked if there were special Cape Cod snakes. Francis said just usual US snakes. Which is boring. I wish there were special snakes.

I asked about special plants. He said the plants are adapted for all the sand in the soil. Also they can stand up to all the winds and even the salt water. But ask Nanny, she knows more about plants. I said you’re the gardener. He mumbled something. Which means he doesn’t know about plants. I think Nanny does the gardening for him.

— 

I had to go swimsuit shopping today. I asked Nanny what her swimsuit looks like. She said I don’t have one. I said do you go skinny dipping? She laughed and coughed at the same time and said I don’t go swimming at all. 

I said if witches don’t go swimming, I’m not going swimming. She said that some witches go swimming and some don’t. If they go swimming, they wear swimsuits.

I wanted to get a swimsuit with a top part. Like my mom. But I didn’t tell Mom because then she would tell Dad. I got a new swimsuit from the boy aisle. But I am going to wear a top part which is a T-shirt. He can’t get mad if it’s a T-shirt.

—

Mom’s lists did not have Boston and Harvard and Red Socks on them. She said it was a Pea Town vacation, not a Boston one. He said you can’t have fun with a list. No sense of adventure. 

She said you need lists to remember important things. Like when your due date is!!!!! She said that very VERY loud. He said it wasn’t his fault he wasn’t there. She said nothing ever is.

I asked Nanny about a due date. I thought it was for books. But it is when a baby is planned to be born. 40 weeks after conception. Or less than 40 weeks if it’s a preemie. 

You can have a baby down to 21 weeks. Which is just half grown. And it might survive but it will be really really small and go on machines until it grows up to 40 weeks. It might have disabilities like its lungs didn’t develop properly. Or cerebral palsy. That’s in my book about miracles of reproduction. I was not a preemie. I was 40 weeks exactly.

Nanny told me a story about me being born. She said Dad wanted to be there, but he wasn’t. But he was on a TV watching. Even though he was in a meeting. My mom was all by herself. Except for nuns. I asked who helped her push? Because it’s hard to push a baby out of yourself. Probably the nuns helped.

She was by herself a lot. Like she is by herself a lot now because Dad is doing ambassador stuff. She doesn’t like it even though I’m here and so are Nanny and Francis. That’s not the whole family. I said you can play with us even though she is not too good at playing. She said no thank you.

— 

Pea Town is actually not Pea Town. It’s Province Town. Which is dumb because you can’t have a province that’s a town. But Cape Cod used to be Province Lands. That’s why the town is named Province.

Nanny and Francis said that Ptown has lots of history too. The Nauset Indians were living there in a town called Meeshawn. The Pilgrims on the Mayflower hung out in the harbor. They wrote the Mayflower Compact in Ptown. Then they went to Plymouth instead.

It was a small town for a very long time. There was lots of fishing. After the Revolutionary War, there was more fishing and whaling. Portuguese people came in. Which is why there are Portuguese bakeries there now.

In the 1890s artists made an artists’ colony there. They made art schools for the summer where you could learn how to paint or draw. There were writers and tourists too. 

All the gay and lesbian and bi and trans and gender people went to Ptown too. Lots of them were just there for the summer, but some of them lived there. Hippies came in the 1960s because it was very cheap. 

It’s still a pretty small town. Not too many people live there all year. They’re mostly white. Also they are having problems because houses got really really expensive. The population is getting smaller now. Maybe because it’s very far away from everything. Maybe people are lonely when it’s not summer.

I don’t know if I will be lonely in Ptown. Because it’s very far away from everything. Also far from Nanny and Francis. They said I will miss them. They will miss me too. But I will also see lots of new things and people. They hope that I feel happy and safe there and not lonely. I hope so too.


	3. A Protest for Hellspawn Rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a dramatic and TOTALLY UNEXPECTED turn of events, Heck's dad skips out on the Ptown excursion. Heck deploys drastic measures to ensure that Nanny joins her and Harriet.

It is just two days till Ptown. But we might not go. Dad has an ambassador thing all next week, which is when we are going. He didn’t tell because he didn’t think it would happen. But it did. Now he has to go to the thing all week. 

Mom and Dad had a fight. Right in the middle of the day. Where I could hear. They were very very VERY disappointed. 

Then Dad went away in his car for a cool down. Mom was crying. Which she does when she is really mad. The butler and the housekeeper and the cooks snuck around very very quiet.

Nanny made tea and sat down next to Mom. Mom was very shocked. Ms. Ashtoreth! Why are you here! She freaked out, she thought I was lost or hurt or crying or dead. Nanny said calm down. Hellspawn is fine.

She said she was there to talk. Mom thought she was leaving and freaked out. Again. Nanny said to talk about her. Mom gave her a very weird look. They talked. I don’t know about what, they made me go away. 

Now I don’t know if we are going to Ptown. But I want to go! It is amazing with the ocean and the animals and all the cool people. I know I would like it very very VERY much. I’m nervous that maybe we aren’t going.

— 

Mom didn’t cancel. She says now it’s just us. Mom kid bonding time. 

She said there was a time where just her and Grandma went. She was 9. She liked it because my uncles were older. They were always hogging the attention and making noise. So it was quiet. And she could talk to her mom. 

I asked what did you talk about? She rolled her eyes. Girl stuff. Puberty. Menstruation. Crushes on people. Not having sex. Because she wasn’t supposed to have any sex at all. Even with protection. Also she had to control herself because Grandma said young men can’t control themselves. Mom said that was patriarchal misogynist hogwash. Which is wrong stuff made up by men because they don’t like women and are scared of them.

And other stuff too. She saw a drag queen on Commercial Street. Like from La Cage Aux Folles. She was handing out flyers for a performance. She thought she was so very glamorous. Which I think is like beautiful. But with more sparkles. Because she had very sparkly eye shadow. And her hair was big. Lots of curls on top.

She went over to get a flyer. Grandma dragged her across the street. That’s a man!!! In a dress!!! She wouldn’t say anything about what drag was. It’s unnatural. 

So Mom looked it up in a bookstore when Grandma left her there for a few hours. I learned so much more about drag queens and people and sex in those 2 hours than I ever did in school!

I really want to go to Ptown and see some drag queens.

I said I want Nanny to come too, there’s a space for her. Mom said they needed special Nanny and Francis time. Also she didn’t want to come. I said she did, she told me. Mom said Nanny wants to go with Francis, not with Mom and me.

I said I was only going to go if she went too. Mom said no, Nanny needs her own life. I’m staying in my room unless Nanny goes with us.

—

Mom told me to get out of my room. I didn’t. Dad yelled at me. I didn’t. 

What the heck do you think you’re doing? They don’t say bad words around me, which are fuck, shit, motherfucker, cunt, etc. They say heck and darn. They don’t even say hell. But it isn’t a bad word. It’s just a made up place. They don’t call me little Hellspawn. I hate it.

Nanny came in. She had the key. We talked about what you do when you are angry. You don’t pout and and throw a fit and take it out on other people. You think of something productive you can do with it. I said I’m not throwing a fit. It’s a protest for Hellspawn rights.

Nanny laughed. She said you can’t always have what you want. She wasn’t going. If Mom wanted a me and her trip, that’s what we were going to have. She doesn’t want to take away from special Mom and Hellspawn time.

Now I’m angry at her, but I’m doing a productive thing. She laughed when I said Hellspawn rights. But I have rights too. Like to privacy and no touching unless I consent. And the right to go on vacation with Nanny!

She’s being mean. Not going. She says she isn’t being mean. But she is. She’s not listening to me because I’m a kid. 

I can’t tell her what to do. I don’t rule the world yet. When I rule the world, I can tell her what to do. But I won’t because she knows more than me.

Nanny said it was my choice. I can stay in here and continue with the immature manipulative behavior. Or I can come out and we can do something constructive. I’m staying in here because I’m doing something constructive right here. Also she’s being mean. I don’t want to talk to her.

—

Dad left for London today. Nanny and Mom and Francis just came in. They had a big talk. They were very serious. I thought it was cancelled. 

But it’s exciting news!!!!!!!! Nanny is going to Ptown with me and Mom!!!!!!!!! Then they have special Nanny and Francis time after that for 2 whole weeks. Which is a very long time.

It’s not about you they said. That’s not why Nanny changed her mind. She said that she talked to my mom. And then to Francis. 

Mom’s going through a tough time and wants someone with her. Which was Nanny. But Nanny isn’t on Mom’s list of friends. Francis said they will be when this is over. With a big smile. 

Francis is okay with it. He says he’ll miss me and Nanny and Mom. But it will be quiet. He will read a book. Just one. He says I don’t read slow, I read deep. Wuthering Heights. He says it is a grand passion. 

Nanny says it’s not a love story. It’s a hate story. He said I didn’t say it was a love story. Anyway you wouldn’t know, you don’t read books. Nanny said I read it just so I could tell you how wrong you were about it. He said ah, now that’s the sign of a grand passion!

I said what about Dad? Mom said he forfeits his right to have any say in this trip now. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him Nanny’s going. 

NANNY IS GOING TO PTOWN WITH US!!!!!!!! This will be the best vacation ever!!!!!!!

—

Francis and me had a serious talk. Just me and him. I have a very important job in Ptown. And on the plane too. Nanny has never flown before. She hasn’t had a vacation before either. But I thought she did have one. Special Nanny and Francis time when they have time off.

She is very scared of the plane. She is very scared of all the people in Ptown, but not because they are weird. Because there are a lot of them. She doesn’t like being squeezed.

My job is to make sure she has fun. Francis said Nanny is worrying about Mom and worrying about me and worrying too much. She needs to learn how to unwind.

But you don’t teach a snake how to unwind. They just know. They curl up when they’re scared. They unwind when they’re okay. So you can’t teach them. You just have to make it safe for them, then they unwind. Francis laughed. You show her it’s safe to have fun.

I told Nanny that I was teaching her how to have fun. She says Francis is a professional worrywart. I said I’m a governess of fun! I’m going to teach fun lessons.

— 

Dad called. He was sorry that he couldn’t come. If he was really sorry, he would have told about the ambassador thing instead of keeping a secret. Or he would have cancelled it. 

Dad said that me and him would go to Boston and the Red Socks and Harvard and all the history. Just the two of us. I said I don’t want to see Red Socks and Harvard. Why the heck do you do everything your mother wants? Because he likes boring stuff. 

They talked about me on the phone. He doesn’t like that I worship Nanny, which means to pray to and love like a god. It’s not reverence, which you should have for all living things. It’s doing whatever they say because they’re in power. Which I don’t. He’s wrong. About a lot of things. More than my mom.

In Mary Poppins the dad is sad because of his job, then Mary Poppins comes. He learns how to fly a kite. Governesses don’t make people happy in real life though. She doesn’t make Mom and Dad happy.

— 

I asked my Mom why she said yes to Nanny. She said I don’t want to be alone. 

I asked her why are you going on a trip with someone you don’t like? She said she needed time away. But she could do that with special Mom kid bonding time. I don’t know.

Nanny makes Mom a bit nervous because she always knows what to do. Mom feels nervous because she doesn’t always know what to do. It’s her insecurities, she says, which are when you worry about things because you have your own problems to deal with. Not because they’re actually real things you have to worry about.


	4. I Think They're Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck and Harriet and Nanny are flying to Ptown! Heck is listening in on a conversation between Harriet and Nanny! They might be [gasp] getting along! Some annoying kid is kicking Heck's seat! Heck wants to punch him in the face!

We are on the plane! We are going!

Nanny has her hands in her lap pressed very very tight together. Mom says she used to be scared of planes. But then she recites something during takeoff. Like a to do list. Then she isn’t scared. 

Nanny says a bunch of names very fast that sound like Ezekiel. Like from the Bible. But they aren’t. After every name, she says something like weapons or cosmetics or astrology. It’s the names of the Watchers, who were angels who were supposed to guard humans. But they taught them things like astrology and got kicked out.

I’m going to write down what they say because then I’m not nervous. I’m like Harriet the Spy! Except not 10. And not living in New York. And not with a nurse.

I’m sorry if this is such a personal question, but are you religious?

What!! Nanny says like she’s angry. But she’s more scared.

I’m sorry if that’s a personal question.

No. It’s not. Why do you ask?

Because. Please don’t get me wrong. I think that you might have belonged to holy orders once? Or unholy. Beats me.

Holy. Orders. Why. Do you. Think. That.

Mom has a list. Which says Circumstantial Evidence of Nancy Astoreth’s Prior Satanic Affiliation. Well. There are quite a few reasons.

Sssso I sssssee. I’m interessssted to hear them. Nanny hisses like that when she’s nervous or angry or really happy. She raises one eyebrow. Just one. It’s so cool. I wish I could.

Mom lists reasons. The plane is going along the runway. Nanny doesn’t notice.

I am. No longer. Assssssocccccciated. With any unholy orders. 

Oh! Oh! That makes so much sense. Me neither! I lapsed so hard out of Catholicism that I became a Unitarian.

You. Fell. Out of. Your religion? Nanny is very shocked. Like she just saw magic.

I didn’t really fall from it so much as I moved away slowly and carefully so that no one would notice until it was too late.

You sssssauntered out of Catholicism?

It was more of a sneak.

I believe that I may know what you mean. I myssssself jusssst. I came down here and. I jussssst had to sssssee everything and learn everything and underssssstand everything and know everything. Sssso I went further and further. Looking for new things and new people and new ansssssswers.

It always starts that way. Doesn’t it. You ask why something happened. They say it’s a metaphor. Or the Lord moves in mysterious ways. It’s a form of evasion. Good girls don’t make trouble. Did you get that too?

Good angels don’t question the Lord.

Oh. My. God!!! You were expected to be angelic? That’s even worse than being expected to be pure and virginal. I’m. Sorry you had to deal with that, Ms. Ashtoreth. So you became something of a bad girl too, I take it?

What!! I beg your pardon!! I am a. Very. VERY. Respectable person!!

It’s okay. I’m not judging you. It’s not bad, despite what Catholicism would have you believe. It’s just the way we are. You became a Satanist. Some of my friends rebelled by, you know, having lots of sex. Me, I went the intellectual route.

Oh?

Yeah, I studied up on cults. I made a list of all the reasons Catholicism was a cult. My parents and the priest were not impressed.

I hid the book to my chest so they couldn’t see I was writing everything down. I missed some. They are talking about Nanny being a nun. Like the nuns in the nunnery where I was born. Satanic nuns of the Chattering Order of Our Imprecated Beryl. Imprecated is like damned. It’s the opposite of sainted.

Mom is okay with Nanny being a Satanic nun. I thought she wouldn’t be because she doesn’t like organized religion. But she is. That’s because the nuns when I was born were the nicest, calmest, coolest people ever. The Satanic part was just a meaningless organizing principle. Which is why she’s not mad about Nanny calling me Hellspawn.

Mom asked what wild things did you do when you were a girl? Nanny said I asked a lot of impertinent questions. Why would you go to all that trouble to have a Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and then have no one touch it? Why would you kill all the kids in the Flood?

I have to say. I didn’t expect to have much. If anything. In common with you, Mr. Dowling. But I have been pleasantly surprised by today’s conversation.

To tell you the truth, that’s part of the reason I was so nervous. Because I thought that I didn’t know what kind of person I would be spending a week with. So I made a list of what I knew about you. And I realized that I know plenty about you. Even though we haven’t talked a lot. You come off kind of forbidding if someone doesn’t know you, but you’re very gentle and thoughtful. Thorough and precise too, I like that. And you have the patience of a. I was going to say saint. Whoops. Uh. Wait a minute. You have the patience of a demon staking out the next person she’s going to do a long-term temptation on. Better?

Yesssssss, yesssss. That’s her happy hiss. That’ssssss an exxxxxxtremely apt comparisssssson.

I think they’re friends now!!

—

There is a little kid behind me, like a toddler. Kicking the seat and whining. I want to punch him in the face. So does Mom. I’m trying to read, but I can’t.

Mom said to please stop because we’re all tired. But that’s really disruptive. The dad said okay and talked to the kid.

The kid is still kicking and whining.

I turned around. I wanted to punch the kid, but then the kid would just cry. And I’d have his snots on my hands. So it wasn’t a good idea. I told the kid please stop. I told him to do something constructive instead of kicking the seat. Like playing angry music. Or taking a nap. That’s what kids do when they’re little. Or punching his doll. But not my seat.

The kid kicked a few more times, but then he stopped. I turned around. He had ear buds in. Now I don’t have to punch him.

Maybe there are cool kids in Ptown. I hope so. Not like the annoying kid. But cool. But not so cool that they don’t want to be friends with me. Are there gay and lesbian and bi and trans and leather and gender kids my age? I think I’d like to talk to some. Maybe they go to Ptown.


	5. The Mean Mom and Other Bad Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck, Nanny, and Harriet face trials and tribulations as they travel to their destination, including transphobic bathroom police, barfing on the ferry, a ridiculously small car, pointlessly gendered breakfasts, and other stuff.
> 
> NOTE: This chapter contains bathroom policing and misgendering, though no slurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This chapter contains bathroom policing and misgendering, though no slurs.

We’re on the ferry going from Boston to Ptown. I’m not looking out the window because I tried and I got sick. Also it’s very sunny out. No clouds. The sun is very bright bouncing off the water. Like little neon lights. Don’t stare at it.

A bad thing happened in the airport in Boston. We all went to the women’s room. I guess Nanny and Mom think that I will lose them if I go to the bathroom by myself. I don’t know.

Me and my mom were using the bathroom. Nanny didn’t go so she was waiting by the dryers. When we came out there was a mom and her two girls. They were about my age. I think they were twins. Because they each had shirts that were black with rainbows and clouds and I’m 50% evil! I wanted one of their shirts.

We talked about the shirts. They said their mom had gotten it for them. Nanny said wash up, your mum’s waiting outside. The mom said to Nanny get out of here. There are children! Yes, this is my child who I am escorting to the restroom. You can’t be here! 

The girls pulled their mom’s hand. Mommy, Mommy, let’s go, they said. What makes you think you can use this restroom? Just because you’re wearing a dress? 

Nanny didn’t say anything. She just glared really hard at the mom. I know she’s a witch. I’ve seen her glare at plants and they die. The mom did not die. Nanny took my hand. We tried to leave. The mom was in the way.

One of the twins said sorry ma’am. The mom said HE’S the one who should apologize. I said that she was mean and wrong to say that Nanny is a he. She is a she. Nanny glared harder at the mom. I bet she wanted to punch her in the face. I wanted to. The mom was very shocked at me and very scared at Nanny. She went away.

I think Mom wanted to punch the mom in the face too when we told her. I hope there aren’t people like that in Ptown. If there are, I hope all the gay and lesbian and bi and trans and queer and gender people glare at them till they shrivel up. Or punch them in the face. So hard that they fly into the ocean and drown. It’s not safe in Boston. I don’t like it there. I don’t want to go there with Dad.

—

I’m very tired. I didn’t look out the window. But I still threw up on the ferry. Nanny went with me to the bathroom. 

It was just one little room. No one else was in there. Nanny took off her glasses and rubbed her nose. Which is what she does when she’s tired. 

I asked will there be people like that in Ptown? She said they’re everywhere. I wish we could punch them in the face. You know we can’t. That just adds fuel to their fire. I don’t know what to do if we meet some in Ptown. Maintain your dignity, engage as little as possible, exit as quickly as you can.

Anyway, there are lots and lots and LOTS of people on the cape now. The car rental did not have any good cars. Mom was mad because it was on her list. But she forgot it. 

Sometimes Nanny does magic. Let me see what I can do. And she finds the lost thing or there’s just enough coffee left for Mom. But she was tired too because of the bad thing. She had no magic left.

I want to go to sleep but I can’t. Because we are sitting on our luggage. Which is not a good place to nap. And we are not at the cabin because we need a car first. But there are no good cars.

— 

Now we are in a very small car like Dad’s sports car. A convertible. The back seat is where all the luggage is. There’s not enough room for me. I’m putting my feet on my suitcase and holding my rucksack. I feel squished. 

Nanny is squished too. The car is too small for her to drive. We put the top down so she didn’t bonk her head. 

Now it’s very noisy. And very bumpy. I can’t write. I can’t stretch out. I can’t go to sleep. This is gross.

— 

Now we are in the parking lot of the cabins. But there are no cabins. That means someone is in our cabin. I don’t know why. That was on Mom’s list. She did it. And she checked the list a million times. 

They are talking about what to do. I am very very VERY tired. 

— 

Mom called a lot of places and yelled. Now we are at a fleabag, which is Truro Town Plaza Motor Inn. There are no fleas. But lots of dead flies in the bottoms of the windows. There is a dead spider in the shower. Which is very sad. I took the flies and the spider and put them in a bag. I’ll give them a funeral tomorrow. Or after I nap.

The woman at the desk thought that Nanny and my mom were both my moms. And that they wanted the same bed. Like Mom and Dad. They wanted separate rooms, but there weren’t any. Or a separate bed. The bed is one bed for the two of them and a trundle bed for me. 

It’s still very sunny out but I feel like bedtime because of all the time zones we went through. 

—

It’s weird because I woke up and it was dark. Like the middle of the night. Because there was a noise. It sounded like Nanny knocking on a door with her umbrella hard. Mom banged back on the wall and told them to keep it down.

The noise stopped.

The noise started again, but quieter. There is thunking and moaning. The last thing I need is an orgy when my kid is trying to sleep! Mom went next door. Probably to punch them in the face.

The noise stopped. An orgy is lots of people having sex. Nanny told me. It doesn’t sound like lots of people next door, though. Nanny said your mother is exaggerating, she is very tired.

The orgy is making noise again.

Nanny went next door. I heard her through the wall. It was her You listen to me voice. Not yelling but sounds like yelling even though it’s quiet.

The orgy stopped. There is no noise. Not even talking. She scared them.

Now we’re all wide awake and hungry, but there is nothing open. I’m very hungry!

— 

We are at the Greasy Spoon. It is a diner in Hyannis open all the time. It serves breakfast all day too. We’re having breakfast in the middle of the night!

Mom ordered a garden omelet. I ordered waffles. Nanny ordered the Big Man’s Breakfast, which is steak and eggs, 3 sausages, 6 bacons, 2 pancakes, 2 toasts, fried potatoes, and coffee. Mom and I thought she was a vegetarian. She said only when Francis is around. She ate all the food.

I asked why is it a big man’s breakfast when anyone can eat it? Nanny said because it’s a pointlessly gendered and misogynist testament to the biases inherent in our kyriarchical society. Mom said what’s a kyriarchy? Nanny said it’s the oppressive social system in which we live, with its multiple axes of privilege, like racism, sexism, ableism, class, gender identity, and so on. Then Mom laughed too. 

I don’t get it. Because racism and sexism and ableism aren’t funny. Mom said no. But we can’t get drunk so we are going to laugh about it. Instead of crying our eyes out.

Mom said sorry for dragging you across the ocean when you had perfectly valid concerns, Ms. Ashtoreth. Nanny said that she chose to go, so none of this was Mom’s fault. I hope, however, that the rest of this excursion is better than today. You may call me Nanny if you wish. She didn’t tell any of the other staff that they could. Or my dad. Mom said you can call me Harriet. I said okay Harriet. She said not you you heckspawn!

Now we want to do stuff but everyone else is sleeping! Nanny has a good signal outside so she is talking to Francis in the parking lot. She is probably saying lovey stuff. That she doesn’t want us to hear. Because there is no privacy in here. Because it is a fleabag and all one room except for the bathroom. Which is separate.


	6. If You Let Yourself Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck, Nanny, and Harriet talk clothes and check out the T-shirt shops of Ptown. How come there are no "I like snakes" T-shirts???

Day 1. A weird thing happened about clothes this morning. I am writing it down because I remember all of it. They were putting their clothes in the closet. Is that all you have? Don’t you ever want to mix it up a little? Cut loose. Maybe unbutton the top button. 

I attract precisely the type of notice I wish to said Nanny. 

I’m sorry. I just. I just meant. Well, you’re very striking and you just own a room when you walk into it. Imagine what you could do if you really let yourself shine! Like if you wore something gold to play up the color of your eyes. Or a fishtail skirt. Those can be very modest if you want, but they’re a little more dramatic with the flare at the end.

Nanny sat still for a long time. She asked if Mom had been talking to Francis. That sounds like something he’d say. Shine. Why do you say that?

Because you could. You could be impressive and imposing, but more colorful and. You know. Radiant. I mean. You are now. But I think then more people would see it.

See what? Nanny looked very shocked. Also like she might cry. She took off her glasses. I told her that she had light in her eyes. That’s very kind of both of you to say that. No one has ever said such a thing to me before, especially not.

Mom said you’re gorgeous! I don’t think she has a crush on Nanny. I think because she wants to be tall and have red hair and really cool eyes. She is regular mom height. Her hair is brown and her eyes are too.

Why did no one except Francis ever notice how cool Nanny is? That’s very weird. Because she is the most beautiful person in the world.

—

We went on the main drag first, which is Commercial Street. Which is where all the stores are. And all the people. But we didn’t see any drag queens. Because a main drag is just a main street. 

The people were walking on sidewalks and in the streets. Even though streets are for cars. You shouldn’t try to drive down Commercial Street. You would have to go like 2 kph and watch out for all the people. And the bikes. And the dogs. There are lots of lesbians with dogs here. There are even 2 bakeries for stuff just for dogs!

Nanny and Mom decided that they would just window shop and come back later to the stores that they wanted to go to. I held onto Nanny’s hand so I wouldn’t get lost. She held my hand back very hard. Like a snake trying to kill it. Because she was scared. She felt squeezed. 

Mom was talking about what she did here when she was a kid and waving her arms. Me and Nanny were just looking around. I was a little scared too.

There were lots and lots of T-shirt shops. One said I like bears and things like I’m a cougar. I asked if they had I like snakes? They had Check out my trouser snake, but not I like snakes. A trouser snake is a penis, which makes no sense. Penises don’t coil up like snakes or have fangs. Also they are short and fat, and snakes are long and skinny. I didn’t want a trouser snake shirt, Mom said good because you’re not getting one.

One of the T-shirt shops was better. It had lots of T-shirts with lighthouses and seashells and beaches and seals and Province Town written on them. It also had lots of shirts with all the rights on them! I wanted a shirt with all the stripes on it, but they don’t do that. I got a black shirt with the pale pink and the pale blue and the white because they were nice soft colors. I asked which rights those stripes were for. Nanny said trans. Mom got a T-shirt that is cerulean, that is light blue, with Province Town on it in rainbow letters. Nanny said do I look like I wear T-shirts?

We went looking for pins and buttons. There were lots of gay buttons with the two little circles with the arrows pointing out of them and lots of lesbian ones with the two stick people who don’t have legs. And the one where they smoosh the two male and female symbols together so it’s a stick person with an arrow pointing out of its head. But not a lot for any other rights. 

There were pins with snarky things on them. Sarcasm is just another free service I offer. Sorry, I’m out of fucks to give. Do I look like a people person to you? I’m only 50% evil. By hell’s standards, I’m practically an angel! I wanted that one, but it just came in big people sizes. 

We found a pin for Nanny, it was a snake with Do no harm, take no shit. She put it on her coat.

It was a very good day. I didn’t like all the people around. But I wasn’t worried about them like they’d say mean things to me in the bathroom. They were all being touristy and having fun ajust like us. They were all okay with it. So I thought they would be okay with us. And safe. 

Now I am very tired. We had pizza delivered for dinner. It was floppy. Mom wanted to take me to a drive in, which is where you sit in your car and watch a movie. I am very tired. And I don’t want to sit in that car. It’s too small. I said no movie.

Nanny and I talked to Francis a bit before I went to bed. I told him about the sports car and the fleabag, but not the bad thing in the bathroom. Nanny was right there, I didn’t want to make her sad. And I didn’t want to make Francis sad too. He said it sounds like you’re making the best of some uncomfortable circumstances. I said Mom and Nanny might be friends now! And Mom helped Nanny not to be scared of the airplane. Nanny said she wasn’t scared. She took the phone from me. 


	7. The Goth Mentor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A highly disappointing whale watch occurs. Heck makes a new friend Taysha, gaining a Goth mentor!

Day 2. Today we went on a whale watch. It was 9-11:30. It was cloudy and windy. The boat bounced up and down in the water. It went really fast. I thought I was going to throw up. But I didn’t.

When we were leaving the harbor, we saw some seals lying on rocks. They were grey with spots, they were harbor seals. I think. We were looking down at them from the boat. So they didn’t look people size. They looked kind of like Francis. If he was shaped like a US football. They have blubber to keep warm like whales.

Mom says that some people think mermaids were invented when sailors saw seals. They thought the seals were women swimming in the water. But that is dumb because they don’t look like people at all. They have flippers instead of arms. Also you always hear about mermaids combing their hair. Seals have fur, but no hair. Either she’s wrong or those sailors were really stupid.

We sailed way far out in the ocean so we couldn’t see the land anymore. The guide said this was a whale feeding ground. So we went there because we thought we’d see some.

Right now the boat is going around the feeding ground. I want to rest. Or throw up. But I can’t rest because the boat is tipping. And the benches are uncomfortable. So I am writing. Because there is nothing else.

— 

Then someone said starboard 3 o’clock! I thought maybe it was 3 o’clock and the whale watch went way over time. It felt like 3. 

But they were saying where they saw a whale. Everyone ran to that side of the boat and looked at the water. I went on Nanny’s shoulders to see. We looked at the water a very very VERY long time. I was ready to throw up when a tail came up. 

It stuck up out of the water with two fins, one on either side. It was a humpback whale’s tail. It had white stuff on it that looked like dried bird poop or white warts. But it was barnacles. Or scars from barnacles. They are acorn barnacles that attach to whales. The guide said that the relationship is commensal. Which is like parasites, but no one is harmed. The barnacles pick out food from the water that the whale is swimming through. Humpback tails are like fingerprints, you can tell the whales apart by them.

While we were waiting for other whales, the guide told us about humpbacks. They are the biggest single living organisms. An adult can be 16 m long and 30 tons. They used to be almost extinct because people used their blubber for lamp oil and their bones for corsets. They are social. They hang out with dolphins sometimes and other whales. Sometimes they protect seals from killer whales! Only the males sing. We don’t know how or why. 

They eat krill, which is little shrimps, and plankton. They are always eating. Because they are so big. They are filter feeders. They have hundreds of baleen plates. Which are called plates, but look like bristles. They don’t have teeth. They swim with their mouths open, then spitting the water out. The krill are caught in the baleen like hairs in your hairbrush. But not long and tangly.

The guide is talking about other whales that we didn’t see. The boat is going back to the harbor. The water is still choppy. We didn’t see any other whales. Just one tail. It was boring. It was not worth it. I wish we saw more whales.

I thought we would see a lot of whales. Mom said that she went on a whale watch in Ptown when she was 12. Uncle Steve was sick all the time. But they came to this same area. And they saw lots of whales. They saw a humpback whale coming up to breathe and blowing out of its blowhole. And one breaching. They also saw right whales. They blow water in a V out of their blowholes. And they saw a pod of dolphins. Which is a group. The dolphins were leaping. They were lucky. Theirs was interesting.

— 

We finally came back to Ptown. We were going to have clam chowder for lunch, but Mom didn’t even want to think about food from the ocean. She had a granola bar and left me and Nanny to fend for ourselves. She went into the Ptown Library for some peace and quiet.

We had clam chowder at the Old Captain’s Alehouse. It was like potatoes in hot milk with little pieces of rubber in it. I didn’t like it. I tried fish chowder. It was more interesting. It had little pieces of fish in it, which were soft. But they were also crunchy sometimes because there were bones in them. I said I’m crushing the bones of my enemies! I’m rather concerned that your enemies are all fish.

Nanny and I went shopping for presents for Francis. We went to a used bookstore that had shelves built into the walls all the way up to the ceiling. The was a cat sleeping on the windowsill too! The best kind of cat, all black. We petted the cat.

Nanny looked at the rare stuff. Which was all in a glass case at the front. Like a book museum. I went to the kids’ books. I found The Gashleycrumb Times, which is an ABC book with kids and how they died. I got a book for Mom about Ptown being a tourist place, from the artists’ colonies to all the queer people.

I asked the bookseller what to get someone who loved books about Grand Passions. Like Wuthering Heights. She said a bunch of lesbian books. I got Carmilla because she said it was the most dramatic. There are vampires. They make it more dramatic. I’m writing in the bookstore because Nanny is taking forever.

— 

Nanny was having a little conversation with Francis. She keeps calling him whenever she has time. She misses him very very VERY VERY much.

She got me presents! The complete works of Edgar Allan Poe. For reading out loud. And a cookbook with Mary Poppins. I didn’t know Mary Poppins had a cookbook.

We showed each other what we got. She said good choice to all my books. She bought 10 steps to a more ungodly you for Mom. Which was self help. By Satanic nuns. I said Mom was ungodly already. She was Unitarian. Nanny said it was a joke.

She bought Francis a journal written by a sailor in the 1850s. He went on a whaling ship to the Azores, which are Portuguese islands where whales hang out. He was on the boat for 3 years! She was sure that it was one of the few books in the world he hadn’t read.

She really liked the Gashleycrumb Times. We started making our own. I remember them easy because they rhymed. So I’m writing them down.

A was for Avery, too anxious by far. B was for Bertrand, sealed up in a jar. 

C was for Celia, carried off in a gale. D was for Desmond, who was slugged by a snail. 

E was for Everett, about whom the less said the better. F was for Fairuza, done in by her sweater. 

G was for Greta, who always said no. H was for Henry, frozen under the snow. 

I was for Iolanthe, who died in a dream. J was for Jethro, who died in mid-scream. 

K was for Kallista, who was squeezed by a snake. L was for Lucian, who walked on a lake. 

M was for Morton, who slept on a grave. N was for Nelly, dropped into a cave. 

O was for Oliphant, a child of gloom. P was for Petunia, lost in her own room. 

Then a girl said Q was for Quentin, who drank too much coffee. R was for Regina, who got stuck in the toffee. So we made a new friend. She is Taysha. She is 16, she is here with her dads. She is very Goth and very very beautiful. Her hair is a bunch of braids that start on her head, then wind up into a big stack. Like a turban. There is pink woven into some of the braids. She is fat like Francis, with dark black all around her eyes and on her lips. Her earrings are skeletons that wiggle when she moves. She said every day is Halloween!

She was wearing a corset outside of her shirt. I told her corsets were underwear. Nanny said now they’re outerwear too and said sorry to Taysha. She and Taysha talked about corsets. It was boring. Like baseball.

Then Mom and Taysha’s dads, who are Toshi and Quinn, came over. Taysha said she wanted to adopt me. Toshi and Quinn said sorry to Mom and Nanny. She’s always like this, deciding that people are her new family. They all talked and decided to have dinner, all of us, to see if Nanny and Mom wanted to make friends with Taysha’s dads.

We all went to the Portuguese Pearl. I had alheira, which is a sausage and fried potatoes and fried egg. It was like eating breakfast at the Greasy Spoon. Taysha puts ketchup on her eggs, so I put some on mine. It looked like blood. It tasted good too.

Quinn and Toshi and Mom talked about coming here when they were little and how it’s become more commercial. Also Quinn has schedules like Mom has lists, so they teased him about that. Nanny mostly listened, though she asked some questions. 

Taysha asked me what is the deal with Nanny? I didn’t say that she was a witch who had magic and snake eyes. I didn’t want her to laugh at me. I said she was a very strange person who was very proud of it. But she was very careful about people coming too close. Because they said mean things. Like get out of the bathroom.

Nanny said if you’d like to know what the deal is with me, you could just ask me yourself, you know. Hellspawn has, however, given you something to go on. She said it like she was laughing. Taysha froze up, she was embarrassed. I said to tell her about being a lapsed Satanic nun, that was pretty Goth. Taysha said, oh my god. You were too hardcore even for Satanism?

I’m writing at the fleabag in bed. I’m so excited, I can’t go to sleep. Mom said turn off your light.

Quinn said all the nuns he met were evil sadists. Mom said oh you must have gone to Catholic school too? Nanny talked about being a Satanic nun.

At the end, Mom and Toshi and Quinn said we could go to the beach tomorrow and Taysha would babysit. Taysha said she was mentoring not babysitting. She seems really cool. Also nice. Maybe she won’t laugh at me. I’m very, very, VERY excited for tomorrow!

Nanny is on the phone with Francis. Doing her over the glasses glare. I have to turn off the light.


	8. Fun at the Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heck, Nanny, and Harriet play at the beach with their new friends.

Day 3. I forgot yesterday that Nanny gave Mom the book about self improvement by the nuns. She said here. A little something to further your quest for self actualization. Mom said I should show this to my parents and blow their minds. She said she’d get Nanny a book of demonic self actualization. Nanny said she didn’t need it, she was perfect. So I guess Mom thought it was funny.

Now we are at the beach. The water is cold, even though it’s summer. Me and Taysha and Nanny aren’t in it. But Quinn and Toshi and Mom are. Toshi is flexing his muscles, Quinn is splashing him. Just like kids! Now Mom is showing them a sea glass she found in the water. They are wading around looking for more shells. They are having fun. They don’t need a governess of fun!

Nanny is wearing very covered up clothes. I haven’t seen them before. Her shirt goes all the way up right under her chin. It’s called a shirtwaist, which is what women’s shirts were called hundreds of years ago. It has weird balloon parts on the upper arms. Her skirt goes all the way down to the ground. It’s a weird shape. It’s flat in front and narrow, but with a big butt. All black. But the shirt is grey.

She still has gloves. And a big hat, not the usual small one. This one has actual bird wings sticking up from it. It’s creepy but also cool. And a parasol, which is a sun umbrella. Also she stacked her hair on top of her head. 

Mom said she was just teasing and Nanny didn’t have to dress like that just because she said. Nanny said I’ll be blessed if I get sunburn. Oh blessed is like damned for you. Isn’t it? That’s amazing. You’ve got this whole classy Gibson girl thing going on. 

Gibson was an illustrator in the 1900s. He drew ads and pictures. Only with very VERY poofy hair and very VERY small waists.

We took a long time to find a spot on the beach. Lots of people wanted to know where Nanny got her clothes. A man came up to her. He was an auctioneer. And a woman who was a professor of textiles. And people who worked in costume shops. Me and Mom found Quinn and Toshi and Taysha and set up towels and umbrellas. Nanny came after we waited.

I thought all women wore bathing suits with tops and bottoms. But not Taysha. She is wearing a T-shirt and shorts like me. She said non-skimpy beach goers solidarity! High five! She doesn’t have a bathing suit like Mom’s because the straps dig into her shoulders and hurt too much.

Toshi had a sun hat. It had flowers on it, also a little sign that said this style 10/6. I asked are you a Mad Hatter? Because I read Alice’s Adventures Underground. He said clever Hellspawn! He makes hats for his work, he is a haberdasher for the drama department of Grantham College. He and Nanny talked about how to fix a broken wing on her hat.

Taysha is not going in the water. It’s too cold. She said I don’t have enough blubber. I want to build a sand castle. Maybe she does too. I’ll ask her. 

— 

Now we are at a picnic table away from the beach. Mom and Toshi and Quinn are trying to light the grill for lunch. But they can’t. Mom would be mad if Dad was here. Because he would be mad. But she is laughing. I’m hopeless with roughing it. My idea of camping is an RV with air conditioning. They are laughing too.

Nanny is talking to Francis. Taysha is napping. She fell right asleep under a tree. No blanket. No pillow. She is snoring. I’m bored, so I’m writing.

Taysha said let’s make a sand haunted house! She got plastic buckets. Nanny got trowels from her bag. Her bag has everything in it. Like Mary Poppins. I bet you could fit 4 boa constrictors inside.

We decided it had 4 towers and a graveyard. Nanny and me walked along the water’s edge to find things for it. We found pieces of driftwood and some sea glass. Which is glass that has been rubbed by the waves and rocks so it’s smooth. 

Mom said she collected it when she was a kid. But now there’s not so much because of recycling. One time she and Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve went beach combing for sea glass. There was lots of green and lots of brown, but not lots of orange or red or yellow. 

Mom was good at finding orange and yellow. Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve weren’t. They were putting them in jars. But they stole all the orange and yellow from Mom’s jar. Mom got mad, so she took all the orange and yellow from their jars. Then she hid it. She dumped out all the rest of the jars in the trash. My uncles weren’t very nice to Mom when they were kids.

Anyway, we got brown, which is from beer bottles. And green, which is from soda bottles. And orange, which is from cars. 

We found picnic forks and spoons and sand dollars. They were dead and white, so we picked them up. 

We came back. Taysha had made the house walls and some towers and cleared a place for the graveyard. But she was mad because one of the towers the sand wouldn’t stick together. But Nanny said it was a haunted house in ruins, so of course it was falling down.

I buried the flies and the spider from the fleabag in the haunted house cemetery. Taysha said it was haunted by ghosts of flies and spiders. We used the sand dollars for headstones. And a driftwood for a creepy tree. We hung seaweed from it so it was a slimy creepy tree.

There was forks along the walls like for spikes. We put knives on the tops of the towers like for lightning rods. Taysha made windows by drawing them on the walls and then hollowing them out a bit. She was very good at that. I made a forest on the other side from the cemetery. It was sticks for the trees and seaweed for the leaves.

Nanny made a flat place in the sand. She put down all the little pieces of sea glass to make a front walk. It looked like a stained glass window, but in sand. It was sparkly and really beautiful. We took pictures of it.

Nanny just lit the fire for them. I think she did that thing where she snaps and there’s a flame on her fingertip because Quinn said hot DAMN. Literally. I hope we have lunch soon. I’m starving. And bored.

—

Now it’s right before bed, and I’m very very VERY tired. Even though I took a nap.

After lunch it was hotter and no one of the adults wanted to move. Also someone had sat on our haunted house. If I knew who, I might punch them in the face.

But the water was cold, so me and Taysha went in to cool off. They made us use the buddy system. No one goes in the water alone. 

The adults wanted to go on a hike to some dunes or something. To see birds. Mom brought her binoculars for that. But Taysha and I were tired, so we didn’t go. We moved all the beach stuff to the car except for the folding chairs. We found some grass and a tree to put them under. We got ice cream from the ice cream van. It made a big sticky mess. But it was good. But messy.

Taysha said someone asked me today what I want to be when I grow up. How the hell should I know? I have things I like to do, sure. But I don’t know if I can make a living at them, especially in this economy. But you can’t just say oh I want to be happy like my parents and live with someone who’s my best friend and have enough money not to worry about things. I feel like because the people who are asking want to hear some ridiculous idea so they can laugh at it.

I said being happy is good. It’s good to want to be happy. It’s not ridiculous. I don’t want to be like my parents. They aren’t happy. She was confused, she thought I meant Mom and Nanny. I meant Mom and Dad. I said that Nanny was my governess and that I had a dad. But he couldn’t come at the last minute. And Mom needed some time away, but not alone. So Nanny came with us.

She said that sounds lonely. All three of you. I said Nanny was married to Francis and they don’t have sex, but they are very very VERY happy. She’s not lonely. But you and your mom sound lonely. I said that’s why I don’t want to be like my parents. But like Nanny. She is BADASS. I’m glad she’s there for you and makes you happy. I said I was too. 

She said thanks for listening. I said to what? She said to me talk. I said you’re supposed to listen when people talk. She said yeah, not many people do. I said well they’re dumb. She laughed and said yeah they are. 

I think she is a very nice person. Even though she is 9 years older. We are not the same age, but that doesn’t matter. Because we are having fun with the same things. Also listening to each other. She is a really cool person. Maybe she is my friend? I don’t know. I can never tell if someone is a friend because I don’t really have any.

They came back from their hike. Toshi was sad that his hat blew off in the wind. They couldn’t find it. He was wearing Nanny’s hat. She was using her parasol. Quinn said they had to get an even more obnoxious one from one of the tourist traps. Mom saw some jaegers, which are birds that come down from the Arctic, and crossed them off her list. She was really excited about that. Nanny was making faces because some sand got stuck in her shoes at the end and it really hurt.

We were going to have dinner together. But we were all too tired. So we called it a night. We said we’ll meet up in 2 days. The day after next. Maybe we can go to the beach again. And build a castle. But no one will sit on it this time!

Nanny is talking to Francis again. Angel she calls him. When she talks to him, she takes off her glasses. Her eyes get big, they shine, she smiles. They are really in love.


	9. A Grey Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rain, boredom, grown-ups sleeping late, Carmilla, a pirate museum, a fight about clothes, and Some Like It Hot.

Day 4. It was raining very hard all day. It was so grey. I couldn’t see the line between the ocean, which was grey, and the clouds, which were grey. The rain is going ping ping ping on the roof of the fleabag.

Mom said let’s make this a lazy day. Nanny was still sleeping, so she didn’t answer. But I got up. I’m awake. I made some breakfast. It was a dinner from the microwave. It was boring. 

They’re still sleeping. There’s nothing to do. I can’t turn on the TV because I’ll wake them up. The phone service isn’t too great in the fleabag so I can’t call Francis. There’s no one to play a game with. I can’t go outside because of the buddy system, there’s no one to go with. I am so very VERY VERY bored.

—

It’s 10:30. They are still sleeping!! I read the Gashleycrumb Times twice. I made up the rest of the alphabet. 

Q was for Quentin, who drank too much coffee. R was for Regina, who got stuck in the toffee.

S was for Sarah, who swelled and then burst. T was for Thomas, whose fate was the worst.

U was for Utopia, who was speared on a spike. V was for Vera, steamrolled by a trike.

W was for Walter, who caught ill in the damp. X was for Xerxes, cancelled by a stamp.

Y was for Yolanda, who couldn’t draw breath. Z was for Zsazsa, who made friends with death.

I looked at the books I brought, but I didn’t want to read them. I looked at the sailor’s journal. But the writing was too faint. I couldn’t tell the letters from each other. 

I tried to read about the history of Ptown, the book I got for Mom. I read the timeline part in the beginning. But the paragraphs were too long, like a whole page. I didn’t read the book.

I read Carmilla. It is about a very lonely teenager named Laura. She is bored. She lives in a castle with her dad and her governess and her tutor far away from the nearest town. There is a coach accident, and Carmilla ends up staying with them.

Laura really likes Carmilla. But Carmilla won’t even tell her what her last name is. Also she’s very weird. She sleepwalks. Which is not that weird. But she sleepwalks through closed doors. And sometimes she’s very energetic, but sometimes she sleeps all the time. And she says weird things. Like how much passion she feels for Laura. How they have to die to be together. She is a lesbian in the closet, and she is very sad about that.

Also Carmilla really hates Christianity. Which was a bad thing when the book was written. So you can tell that she is supposed to be a bad person. But all the people I know who don’t like Christianity are nice people. All the people at Mom’s church. And me. And Nanny. And Francis. He talks about all God’s creatures, but he also doesn’t go to church. The world is my temple! I worship anywhere that I feel the awe and glory of the mysteries of Creation!

Carmilla is a vampire, so they have to stab her and cut off her head. Then Laura gets better. She was sick because Carmilla was drinking her blood. The woman in the bookstore was right. It is a Grand Passion. It’s very dramatic with the vampires. I really hope Francis likes it.

Now I’m bored again.

—

It’s 1:30. They just woke up! Mom is drying her hair in the kitchen part of the room. Nanny is in the corner of the room talking to Francis.

Mom said can you picture her in a flapper dress from the roaring 20s? Or one of those smart suits from the 40s? I said what do those look like? She drew some pictures. I said no. They don’t cover enough.

We’re having lunch and then going to the Expedition Whydah. It’s a museum for a shipwrecked pirate ship in Ptown.

—

I talked to Francis on the phone. I told him all about what we did. Even about the whale watch. Because I knew he would like it that we saw whales. Even though it was boring. But mostly I told him about Quinn and Toshi and Taysha. He said he missed all of us. Especially Nanny because the weeds were coming back. I told her that she said that, she rolled her eyes.

We went to the Whydah museum. It’s not why dah, it’s wid uh. It’s named for a city in Benin. It was a ship for passengers and the triangle trade. Which is kidnapping people from Africa and selling them to slavery in the US and England.

But then in 1717 it was taken over by Black Sam Bellamy. He sailed it up the coast and crashed into Wellfleet in a noreaster. Which is a very bad storm that comes off the ocean. Lots of people died. There was tons of gold and silver in it. 

I did not learn very much because I was very VERY tired. It was dark in the museum just like outside. It had to be dark so that light wouldn’t damage the artifacts. There were just spotlights on over them. And it was warm in there. I fell asleep on a bench in one of the rooms.

When I was asleep, Mom freaked out. She thought I ran away. Or got lost. Or something bad happened to me. Nanny did not freak out. Hellspawn is a very sensible child and can’t have gone far.

They found me. Mom teased me. You are the only kid I know who would fall asleep in a pirate museum. I said it was dark and boring. You are the only kid I know who would think a pirate museum was boring. 

I said that’s because there weren’t any snakes, which was a joke. Nanny laughed. Mom rolled her eyes. Then Nanny told her it was a joke. Then she laughed.

We went to a really fancy restaurant. The boring kind where your napkin is folded weird and standing up on your plate. And the lights are really dim to make an atmosphere. And the menu is written in weird cursive like the sailor’s journal so you can’t read it. And the food is so fancy that it takes a really long time to come.

Mom made me dress up. She wanted me to wear a tie. You’re not wearing a tie. Nanny’s not wearing a tie. Why do I have to wear a tie? Because that’s what boys wear when they dress up. I don’t like ties. Or boys.

Nanny told something to Mom in the corner. She whispered, I couldn’t hear. We’ve decided that it’s best to let you wear what you want Mom said. I wanted to wear shorts. They weren’t wearing pants. I didn’t have to wear the tie or the pants.

I’m writing this because we’re waiting for the food. It’s taking forever.

— 

Now it’s bedtime, but I’m up because I had two naps today.

Mom ordered us lobsters. But then it came and it still had its head on. And its eyes in. It looked like a big red dead bug looking at me. I couldn’t eat it because you’re supposed to be nice to animals. You’ve been eating animals all your life Mom said. But they weren’t looking at me. 

I had macaroni and cheese instead. But it wasn’t called macaroni and cheese. It was called something snobby in French. It had goat cheese in it. It was not as fancy as it sounded.

The dessert was good. I had chocolate mousse. The spoon was chocolate too. It was cold so it didn’t melt too fast. I ate the spoon.

Then we went to a movie. But not the drive in. Because it was raining. It was Some Like It Hot. Mom said is that appropriate for a 7 year old. Nanny said Hellspawn has been singing along to La Cage Aux Folles since age 3. I see no problem here.

It was black and white. It was about two jazz musicians pretending to be women for some reason. It’s famous because it’s funny. Also Marilyn Monroe is in it. Also the Catholic church said it was morally objectionable. Which made Mom really want to see it. Because she never had.

There was lots of gangsters and running around and singing. But not fun singing like La Cage Aux Folles. It was very loud. And everyone was laughing very loud. But I fell asleep.

Mom and Nanny liked really different things about it. Mom said it was so much fun with all the songs. So light hearted, not like today’s doom and gloom stuff. Nanny was talking about the cinematography and choreography. And indirect critique of the Hays Code. Mom said where did you say you went to school again? I’m sure it was on your resume, I just forgot. Nanny said I’ve been to a lot of places. I just graduated from none of them. Mom thinks Nanny is really smart.

They’re asleep now. The rain stopped. I really hope the weather is good tomorrow. I want to see Taysha and go to the beach again!


	10. Watching Out for Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taysha has an ominous dream. Harriet and Toshi go swimming. Nanny tastes terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter describes someone almost drowning.

Day 5. The weather is very sunny and very muggy. Just like the first day we were here. So we met at the beach again.

The morning was quiet. Mom and Quinn went for a walk along the water. Looking for birds. They saw some. And Nanny and Toshi talked about hats and stuff forever. It was very boring. Nanny talked to Francis. But I don’t know what she said. Because nothing was happening. Me and Taysha went into the water to cool off. But just to our knees. 

I didn’t think she would laugh at me. So I said when I grow up I want to be a witch. She said oh cool. She said there is a religion of witches. Which is Wicca. It is a nature based religion where you worship all sorts of gods from nature. And you have reverence for all life. And you can cast spells. But it’s not a good idea to do evil ones. Because then the evil will bite your ass three times. Which is the Threefold Law. She isn’t a witch. But she has friends who are witches. 

That is really, really cool. Then I can be a witch when I grow up! Just like Nanny!

I told her Nanny is a witch. Maybe a Wiccan witch, but also a magical one. She has magic, like with plants and starting fires. Taysha said wow. And she believed me!

Taysha was not smiling or talking much. I asked why she was sad. She said Now I know I can tell you this because you won’t laugh. I have precognitive dreams. Which is when you can see the future. But she only dreams of bad things that will happen to people she knows. And she just sees a moment and hears some words. But she knows something bad will happen. Because she’s scared when she wakes up.

She said they started when she was 5. She heard a weird snapping noise, like a tree branch snapping, in her dream. The next day they were taking a walk, and Quinn fell down. His ankle made that exact sound. Something broke.

That’s why Taysha’s Goth. Because the world is weird. And sometimes dreams are real. And sometimes reality is dreams. Also no one wants to think about the bad things, but someone has got to. Which is her. She had to learn how to know about bad things and sit with them. The Halloween spirit, which is weirdness she said, is everywhere.

But her dads don’t believe in woo woo stuff. Which is stuff you can’t explain scientifically. Normally they are good about whatever she does. Like Halloween all year round. But they laugh at her dreams. So she doesn’t tell them anymore.

Last night she had a dream. She dreamed that we were at the beach. Nanny took off her hat and her sunglasses and said to Taysha get help! That was it. 

I said we have to tell Nanny! Which we did. When Toshi was using the bathroom. Nanny was very serious. She took off her glasses and rubbed her nose. Taysha was very shocked at her eyes. Which she thought were contacts. She hadn’t seen her eyes before. But in her dream they were yellow. Which was proof that her dreams knew what they were talking about. Nanny said very seriously thank you for telling me. I’m going to take this under advisement. 

She told Mom and Toshi and Quinn to be extra special careful. But she didn’t say about Taysha’s dream. 

They’re having problems lighting the grill for lunch again. Which is why I’m writing this.

I really hope her dream is wrong and nothing bad happens. But I’m worried. Because her dreams knew what they were talking about with Nanny’s eyes. I’m going to be extra special careful.

— 

It’s the middle of the afternoon. We are back at the fleabag. I’m writing this. Because it’s better than feeling worried.

After lunch it was more windy. Quinn went to the car to take a nap. So he didn’t have to use the buddy system. But Mom and Toshi did because they went swimming again. Taysha was thinking of all the bad things that could happen to Quinn. Like being hit by a car. Or a dog bit him. Or he choked on a snack. Nanny said let’s worry about more immediate things that we have some hope of controlling.

I was worried about Mom and Toshi. So I watched them with binoculars. They were going further and further out. Then I saw Toshi, but I couldn’t see Mom. I looked around, but I couldn’t see her. I told Nanny.

Nanny looked at the water and stuck out her tongue. Like a snake scenting something. She made a face like something was gross. I said what’s wrong? She said terror. Hatty’s terrified.

She said to me and Taysha you know what to do, get help! She took off her hat and was undoing her skirt and taking off her shoes and ran into the water. Then swam really fast. Like a blur.

Me and Taysha went to a lifeguard. We told them where Mom and Toshi were, and Nanny was swimming out to them. They blew their whistles. Everyone out of the water! Some of them got in a little motorboat to get Mom and Toshi. We called Quinn, he came running back from the car.

We were watching through binoculars. Taysha kept saying what’s happening? So I gave her the binoculars and she told me. There’s Nanny, she’s swimming really fast. Like faster than the boat. The boat is speeding too. 

Toshi is treading water and waving his arms. I don’t see your mom. Oh wait. Is that. Your mom? Nanny got there first. She found your mom! She’s holding her. 

Here comes the boat. They’re getting onto the boat. Your mom and Nanny and Toshi. I can’t see Nanny, I think she’s sitting on the floor of the boat. Nanny has her arm around your mom. Okay, your mom is conscious. Hey, at least she’s sitting up! That’s a good sign, right? They all have blankets around them.

Everyone was standing on the shore watching. Nanny and Toshi helped Mom out of the boat. I was crying. Mom looked like she had been crying.

The ambulance came and made sure everyone was okay. We sat around for a long time waiting. While they talked to Mom and Toshi and Nanny. It was very VERY boring. But then they finally let us go. We went back to the fleabag.

Now we are back at the fleabag. Nanny made tea. Mom is just staring into the cup and sniffling. She doesn’t know how it happened. She got turned around maybe and thought she was swimming for shore. But she was really swimming further out. And Toshi didn’t know where she went. 

Then she saw that she was swimming out, not in. And she was very VERY VERY tired. She tried to tread water. But she was disoriented. Toshi tried to hold her but he was tired too. Then Nanny came and picked her up.

It feels kind of like someone died. Everyone is quiet and serious. Like there’s a funeral just after you hear the news. Even though you’re not at the funeral yet. 

I feel like I’m not supposed to have fun. Because Mom and Nanny are not having fun. But they are just sitting, it’s really boring. Mom is just sitting at the table, sort of slumped. She’s just crying crying crying. No sounds, just tears. 

— 

Writing all that didn’t help. I’m still worried. Something is wrong with Mom.

Mom Mom are you okay?? She didn’t answer me. Nanny said she was in shock. Which is a protective mechanism when your mind retreats from the world a bit after something bad happens. It comes back, it just needs time to rest. So she was just sitting with Mom. 

She said I could sit with Mom too. Which I did. But she was still crying crying crying. Not looking at anything. Not even hugging me back. So I got bored because nothing was happening.

I already read the interesting books. And I don’t think I should turn on the TV. I’m bored. And worried about Mom. What if her mind doesn’t come back from the protective mechanism?


	11. The Nature and the Nurture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Harriet's near drowning, she and Nanny have a talk, which our small Hecklet pretends not to listen to, but records a transcript of.

It’s after dinner. We just kind of sat around for the rest of the afternoon. Nanny went outside and whispered to Francis for a long time. Dramatic stuff makes people tired. Even if there’s no vampires. It takes a toll on one’s system.

Mom finally stopped crying. Are you okay, Mom? I’ll live. I need a nap, though. She went over to the bed and went plop on it. Like a whale breaching. She went right to sleep. Diagonal on the bed. Taking up the whole bed.

Nanny wanted to go to sleep. We shared my bed. I lay down. She curled up around me, fitting her whole body on the bed. She hugged me very very VERY tight like I like. She didn’t think Mom was still in shock. Mom will be okay. It’s just going to take some time. We snuggled. It was good. But not the same without Francis.

I forgot to write that Nanny was all in her underwear except for her shirtwaist when she got off the boat. Then when we were going to the car, she did her magic. She snapped her fingers and put all her clothes back. It was the biggest magic I’d seen her do. I don’t think anyone noticed but me. Mom was out of it.

Mom and Nanny are talking really quietly. I’m pretending not to listen. But I’m listening. I can write down what they say because they are pausing between sentences.

Nancy. Nanny. I. Want. Just to. Say. Thank you. So. Thank you.

Nanny makes a listening noise, not a word.

Hah. You never think. You never think when you hire someone to look after your kid. That she’s going to end up saving your ass too. That was. Just incredible. 

Mmm. Well. Thank you.

So you’re an Olympic swimmer besides an ex Satanic nun.

I can swim, but I’m not a swimmer. 

What else can you do? What did you do with your clothes?

I took them off before I went in. Yes, I know it’s shocking.

No. In the parking lot. Afterward. You were wearing the same clothes. And they were all dry.

Those were different clothes. You know how everything I wear looks the same.

They were not. Don’t pull a Mary Poppins on me.

I beg your pardon.

I read those books too. And Mary Poppins always says no none of that weird stuff happened. Deny, deny, deny. Don’t deny it. Don’t patronize me. I’m not a child.

Excuse me. When do I ever patronize children?

Hm. Well. Never actually. I’m sorry about that.

Accepted.

Well. So what did you do with your clothes? And tell me the truth, please.

I restored them to their former dry unsullied state.

But how? Because one second you were all soggy and half dressed. The next minute you weren’t.

I have demonic powers.

You do not.

I told you the truth. It’s not my responsibility to make you believe it.

You have demonic powers.

I do.

Since when? Since becoming a Satanic nun?

I’ve always had them.

Okay. Wow. This is clearly. I mean. Clearly you’re telling the truth. I mean. What the truth is for you. I mean. What you believe is true.

You think I’m not telling the actual truth. You think I’m deluded. I assure you. Hatty. I am telling you the truth.

Then. You’re really serious about this.

Yes. I am.

So. Like. What do you do?

I’m taking care of Hellspawn. And I garden when I have the time.

No. You know what I mean. With your powers.

Whatever I want.

Whatever you want?

Well, whatever I want that I can imagine in enough detail to make real.

What?

What do you mean. What.

What could you imagine in detail? What couldn’t you?

Well, I wouldn’t trust myself with ex nihilo creation because of the complexity involved. With subatomic particles and consciousness. Consciousness is a rather complex phenomenon.

Yeah. My consciousness is having problems with this rather complex phenomenon.

Stars. I’m very good with stars.

Stars are easier than consciousness?

Well, you know. You made a person. How difficult was that?

Point taken. So if you can do anything you want, why are you here?

To find answers to the questions of the universe.

No. I mean. Right here in this fleabag hotel room. With me and my kid.

Because I want to be.

But. Clearly you don’t always do what you want. Like you didn’t want to fly. Or rent a car that small. I guess what I’m trying to ask is. If you can do whatever you want, why do you do things that you don’t want to do?

Partially out of habit. I’m used to doing things like you. The full complete way without skipping any steps. Also I can’t constantly use my powers. Just like you can’t run or swim or do anything forever. I’d be exhausted.

So. You can do anything you want. And you chose to use your so-called powers on your clothes. Instead of getting me out of the water?

Well. The truth is. I was just thinking about reaching you. And swimming seemed the obvious method. Then I remembered that I had other options when I was in the parking lot.

Okay. So. You’re telling me that you can make stars out of nothing. But when someone is drowning. You panic and forget you have powers.

I didn’t panic. I just reordered my priorities. And my powers were much lower on the agenda than ensuring your safety.

Well. Whatever. Anyway. Thank God you’re a good swimmer. Or should we say thank Satan?

The Devil has nothing to do with my swimming abilities.

Huh. Okay. Then. Wow. You really do want to be here.

Yes. I said that already.

But it’s just sinking in now. I always thought you didn’t like me. Like you were judging me for marrying Thad. Or for being in and out so often.

I’m always evaluating everything. But that doesn’t prevent me from respecting you. I always have. Since you interviewed me.

I was reading from a 5 page list of questions and not making eye contact.

Yes, but your questions made sense. You wanted to know what I’d do in all sorts of situations, from everyday to emergency. 

Right. Well. He’d left the whole process to me. Which I really didn’t appreciate. So I had to be as thorough as possible.

Oh. You were. You’re like Hellspawn. You know exactly what you want. And how to achieve it. The child takes after you.

Don’t flatter me. The child thinks you’re God. Or possibly the Devil. And dresses as much like you as possible. I donated 50% of the nature. But we both know you’ve taken care of most of the nurture.

I have. And I’ve excelled greatly.

Hah. I guess Satanic nuns don’t think pride is a sin?

Of course not. But it’s been an honor. Really it has.

To do what?

To watch my Hellspawn grow up and have some small part in it.

I never thought. I’d have such a. Strange. Strangely amazing. Kid.

I know! Isn’t it wonderful!

Wonder what’s going into that notebook? It’s almost full. Maybe it’s a novel?

No. It’s a record of this vacation. Including a verbatim transcript of the conversation we’re currently having.

Oh my God!! What the heck!!


	12. Just Like Moms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going up the Pilgrim Monument, saying goodbye to Taysha and her dads, listening to Harriet and Nanny talk about the previous day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This chapter mentions suicidality.

Day 6. Mom said sorry for blanking out yesterday. We said it’s okay, you were in shock. You needed a protective mechanism. You’ve been very patient with me. Of course, Hatty. Of course.

Mom thought maybe she freaked out in the water yesterday because she almost drowned when she was a kid. One time Uncle Gerald tricked her into going into water over her head when she couldn’t really swim. And they pushed her off a diving platform in the middle of the lake. 

They went fishing the next day. Mom put the fish guts in their shoes and ruined them. They lost her binoculars. She got them food poisoning. But they couldn’t prove it was her. So they stopped fighting.

I asked did they ever get along? Mom said we were very competitive. Which means no. It sounds like they were never nice to her. Maybe that’s why, when they come over, Mom isn’t very friendly to them.

We went back to Ptown. I went up the Pilgrim Monument with Nanny. It was built 1907-1910. It is 253 ft. It’s all made out of granite. They put Christmas lights all around up all the way up during Christmas. It’s a memorial to the Pilgrims. But it’s a dumb one. Because it doesn’t look like Pilgrims or Mayflowers or Plymouth rocks or anything.

We looked all around from the top. Mom stayed down below in the museum. She did not want to look at the water. Which is hard because Ptown is very narrow. And you can see or hear the ocean from almost all the directions. 

We saw the harbor with lots of very small white sailboats in it. And Race Point, which is the little narrow hook bit at the very very end of the cape. 

We saw the whale watch boat we went on. I hope they saw more whales than us. And they didn’t throw up. And they didn’t get bored.

We saw the beach too. I hope that no one is drowning.

We went to the museum. There was an exhibit on the Province Town Players. They were from 1915-1923, but only 2 years in Ptown. They were artists and intellectuals and playwrights and stuff who were doing experimental plays. 

Nanny was very into it. She likes plays and movies. More than books. She says books are too long. Mom liked it too, she read every single little sign. I was not into it. It was boring.

I’m writing this waiting for lunch.

— 

Now we are in the Unitarian Universalist Meeting House! Even Nanny! Which is very weird! We are resting because we walked around a lot. 

We went to some antique shops because Mom likes antiques. She especially likes samplers. Which are sewing stitches that kids did hundreds of years ago. With alphabets and Bible verses and animals. 

She has a whole bunch on the walls in her dressing room. Which Dad says is kind of morbid. She says they’re full of personality. You can learn so much about who made them just by reading them. I told Mom that’s why I like to go in the cemetery and look at the stones. 

Mom was talking to the person behind the desk about an antique sampler. I got very VERY bored and tired. Because it was humid out. But we couldn’t sit down because the chairs were fragile.

So we poked around instead. We found some hair wreaths in glass cases. Made out of dead people’s hair. It was a custom in Victorian times. Nanny says. I think people wanted hair to remind them of who died. 

We found old bottles with old medicines. Some of them still had old labels on them. The labels had a lot of writing. The medicines said that they cured everything. Even weird diseases like catarrh and pleurisy and female complaints. Which is when you hurt because you are menstruating or hormones. 

Nanny said they made people feel better because there was a lot of alcohol in them. Or laudanum, which is opium, or cocaine. So the people felt better because they were drunk. Or stoned. Or high.

Mom didn’t get a sampler because the price was too high. And the quality was poor. 

We found the Unitarian Universalist Meeting House. With grass and trees and shade! There is not much shade on Commercial Street. Also it was open even though it wasn’t Sunday so we could use the bathrooms. Which was nice of them.

Mom and me flopped under a tree. It was so nice and cool. Nanny was still on the sidewalk standing very very still. She took a step onto the grass and waited. Like for something to blow up. Which it didn’t. She put both feet on the grass. Nothing blew up. 

She came over to us and sat next to us on the ground. Well. That’sssss. Quite interesssssting. I didn’t exxxxpect that. Maybe the property isn’t conssssecrated. Only the sssstructure.

She used to be allergic to holy ground. It made her feel like she was burning up. But now she’s not! We tested it. We went into the meeting house to see if it was holy. It wasn’t! Or she’s not allergic anymore. She said oh thank Satan and all the lords of hell and looked like she was going to cry. But she didn’t. She never cries.

— 

Now it’s after dinner of the last day. We met up with Toshi and Quinn and Taysha to say goodbye. We got ice cream. There was lots of dogs eating ice cream too! Some were eating people ice cream, some were eating dog ice cream. Some people were sharing their ice cream with their dogs, which is gross.

Quinn bet us that we couldn’t eat a whole Province Town sundae, which was rainbow ice cream and a rainbow of fruit, like starfruit and strawberries and blueberries, and rainbow sprinkles. But he didn’t say who we was. So we ate a lot, but not the whole thing.

Taysha asked Nanny how she knew Mom was terrified. Do you have precognitive powers too? No. I taste negative emotions. Oh wow. That is HARD CORE. So what does terrified taste like? Everyone’s terror tastes differently. Hatty’s is bitter and stinging, but crunchy, like glass between your teeth. 

So she was tasting Mom’s fear with her tongue. Maybe she was following the taste. That’s how she knew where Mom was.

Nanny ate the rest of it. We said we won the bet because Quinn didn’t say who we was. Taysha said now you owe us $1 million! 

We all said goodbye and got their phone numbers and their Emails. So we can write or text or something. But international rates might be too high.

Toshi and Quinn gave us some saltwater taffy. Taysha said why did you do that? It tastes like toothpaste. Quinn said it’s a coastal delicacy. There are lots of stores selling saltwater taffy around here. But it’s not invented here or anything.

It doesn’t taste like saltwater. But it has salt and water in it. I think there are supposed to be different flavors, but I don’t taste any. It’s like chewing on old gum that has lost its flavor. But then you swallow it instead of spitting it out. It’s gross.

Mom said oh this is fantastic, I can taste the memories! I asked if it was like Nanny tasted terror. Mom said it was just a figure of speech. 

She told me about going up to the top of the Pilgrim Monument and spitting taffy off the top. I asked how old she was? Because I thought she was a little kid like 3 or 4. She said 11. I said Nanny would have stopped you. She said probably. But Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve dared her. And her dad told her not to. So of course she did.   
  


Nanny laughed. Did anyone ever call you Harriet the hellion? No, that was Jerry and Stevie. They were the hellions. I was the youngest and the only girl. So I got away with so much.

I never thought about Mom being a kid before. I guess that means Dad used to be a kid too. But anyway Mom was a kid and Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve were too. And they were huge jerks to her. 

I don’t think she liked being the only girl. Because she had to fight her brothers all the time. And she didn’t have a sister to help her. Or someone like Nanny who wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her.

Anyway I said I guess you didn’t like taffy either because you spat it out. Mom said shhhhh! But later she said come to think of it. It does taste like wet paper towels.

I don’t think I’ll ever see them again. But they were so nice and so fun! They made friends with Mom really quickly. And Taysha made friends with me. And Quinn and Toshi helped Mom to have fun. I hope she had some fun. Even though she had a really dramatic and bad day yesterday. I’m pretty sure she did.

I like Taysha so much. She’s so smart and pretty and badass and good at listening. She is very smart. Even if she doesn’t know what she wants to do, she is one of those people who will figure it out. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t an only kid. I wish I had a big sister like her.

Another funny thing happened with clothes in a T-shirt shop. After we said goodbye to them. Mom tried to find a Goth T-shirt that Nanny would wear. Honestly do you two have anything in your closet besides black? 

The person at the desk, who had all black and lots of face piercings and black lipstick, heard that and said oh what a cute kid. Dressing up just like Mom, huh? Meaning Nanny. But don’t worry. There’s a reason there are 2 of you. The kid might not dress like you, meaning Mom, but they’ll take after you in ways you’ll never expect.

Mom said that’s. She waved at Nanny. Like she’d say that’s my kid’s governess. Not another mom. Then she said that’s probably true.

Now Mom and Nanny are talking again. I’m going to spy on them again. See if they say anything interesting.

Hatty. Can I. Can I ask you something?

Hatty. You call me Hatty.

You said I might call you by your first name. But if. If you don’t want me to.

My friends called me that. When I was a girl. And in college.

Oh. Dear me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like a child.

You did. You don’t. I kind of like it. Hatty and Nanny. It sounds closer than Harriet and Nancy.

Yes. I suppose it does. If you don’t mind. That is.

No. In fact I like it. Do you. Mind. That is.

Ahhhh. No. Not at all. But. Can I ask you something? I’m not. Quite sure. How to ask this but. Yesterday. When you swam out. Were you feeling. Desperate. Overwhelmed. Unhappy.

You mean was I trying to kill myself. Was I suicidal?

Oh wow. Oh Nanny. You know. There are so many things I’d like to change about my life right now. I’d like to be closer with my kid and home more often. I’d like to spend more time with Thad. I’d like to have more local friends than just you. Or I’d like to live someone less isolated. I’d like a life where I wasn’t expected to put in so many appearances at functions and play the perfect wife. 

Yes. I know. I know you want things to be different. I know you’re not happy with the way everything is right now.

But I can’t make any of those changes if I’m not around. So I’m staying around. Because the only way that I can make my life better is by living and changing and making it better.

That’s. A very practical way to look at things. Practical but also optimistic. But. Please know. If you ever do feel that way. Suicidal I mean. Or even just overwhelmed. Or even just momentarily upset. Or if you’re happy or excited. Whatever you feel. If you want to talk, you can always talk to me.

Thank you. That’s. But. I didn’t hire you to be my therapist or anything.

I wasn’t offering in that capacity. I was offering as someone who would like to be your friend.

Heh. Didn’t Francis say that we would be friends at the end of this?

He did. So. Was he right?

I think he was.


	13. Who Is Hellspawn Dowling?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Hecklet has mom-kid bonding time with Harriet and Nanny. She thinks about who she is and who she isn't. "Don't lissssten to him. You lissssssten to ME!" The end. The beginning.

We are on the flight! Going back! We got up really early to take the first ferry back to Boston. I didn’t sleep very much because I was very VERY excited about going home. We checked out of the fleabag and got rid of the sports car. Good riddance. That’s what Mom said. 

We were all wide awake on the ferry even though it was mostly dark out. Mom said she needed mom kid bonding time. We went up to the second level. To the enclosed observation desk. We were the only people up there.

This trip has really gotten me thinking about something. I’m wondering. What do you feel about being a boy?

What?

Well, you always say you want to be like Nanny, but never like Francis. Because she’s trans?

No because she’s awesome.

And I know you don’t really like your name.

I don’t want to be an evil wizard. I want to be a good witch. That was the first time I said it to her. But I said it because Nanny told her about her demonic powers. So I thought maybe she wouldn’t laugh at me. She didn’t.

And. Well. You’re wearing a trans rights flag.

Yeah, I like the colors.

So. I’m wondering. How do you feel about being a boy? Do you like it? Do you not like it?

Dad likes it.

I know. I know. But how do you feel?

Are you going to tell Dad what I say?

I want you to feel like it’s okay to talk to me. Like you can trust your mom. With anything. Like you trust Nanny and Francis. Okay?

Dad wishes I was Thaddeus Jr.

I know. And I know he says it a lot. And I know you’re uncomfortable about hearing it. Because you don’t like all the things he likes. I promise. I won’t tell him what you say. We can keep it a secret. I just want to know what you’re feeling.

I don’t want to be Dad’s son. Thaddeus Jr. And I hate Warlock!

Yeah. I know. That was. Really. Not a good idea. I’m sorry. About that name. So. Um. When you say you don’t want to be Dad’s son. Do you want to be someone else?

Yeah. Hellspawn Dowling!!

And. Is. Hellspawn Dowling a boy. Or a girl. Or. Something else?

A grown up. 

Okay. So. Hellspawn is who you want to be when you grow up. But is that a man. Or a woman? Or something else?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!!!!

I went back down to Nanny. Mom is asking me about a boy or a girl. And I don’t know. And now she’s mad at me. Nanny said shhh it’s okay. Your mom isn’t angry. She’s asking because she wants to help you. She wants to be a good mom to you. And you know that whoever you are, whatever gender, whatever you decide, I’ll always love you. And Francis will always love you. 

Mom came back down and said sorry to me. She said the same thing too. We’ll always love you no matter what. I said Dad won’t. And Grandma and Grandpa won’t. Because they don’t even like drag queens. And Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve won’t. Because they’re mean jerks. She said they will. I said they won’t!!!!

I thought about some things on this trip. Like who loves me. And who doesn’t. Nanny and Francis love me. My mom loves me. My dad doesn’t. And Grandma and Grandpa won’t. Not when they hear that I have a trans shirt. And Uncle Gerald and Uncle Steve won’t. Because they’re mean.

I’m going back home. But the airports aren’t safe. And home isn’t safe. The only safe place is Ptown. Where they thought we were a family. A happy family. Which we weren’t. Because Nanny’s not my mom. And she didn’t have Francis. And my mom is my mom, but she didn’t have Dad. 

Me and Mom and Dad are a family. An unhappy family. Maybe Mom and Dad will get divorced. The kids usually go with the moms. That’s what happens with the kids I know. So then I wouldn’t have to be his son anymore. 

I don’t want to go home and be his son. I forgot about it for 7 days. Now I have to go back and do it. But I can’t. He wants me to. But I can’t. I’m not Thaddeus Jr. And I don’t like baseball. Or history. I don’t want to go to Harvard. I’ll go back and try to do it. But I can’t. 

So he’ll be mad. He’s mad at me a lot. He should find a boy who knows that he wants to be a boy. Who likes baseball and history and Harvard and all that boring stuff. He can adopt that boy and leave me the heck alone.

Can you unadopt your parents? Even if they had you? Or divorce them? Just one, though. I want to divorce my dad. But not my mom.

I wish it was like a story. Like Mary Poppins. They’re all so happy when she leaves. Or a fairy tale. Everyone gets married and lives happily ever after. 

But Mary Poppins is about a family where all the boys and girls like being boys and girls. And the fairy tales are princes and princesses getting married. And having kids and happy families. 

Are there stories about unhappy families? Or families where the dad has a son that he doesn’t want? Or where there’s a kid who hates being a warlock and wants to be a good witch? I haven’t heard any, and I’ve heard A LOT of stories from Nanny and Francis. Do they all end sad like Carmilla? I don’t want to have an ending like that.

—

I just had a serious talk with Nanny. She was talking in her good night story voice so Mom couldn’t hear. 

Lisssssten to me, Hellsssspawn. If there’s one thing that thissss trip has proved to me, it’sssss that you are my child. Mine. Jusssst as much as your mother’s. If you don’t want to be your father’s sssson, then you don’t have to. You can make the choiccccce to have in your family those people who make you happy. Those people who accccccept you jussssst as you are. Those people who love you.

Lissssten to your mother, she loves you. She wants what’ssss besssst for you. Lissssten to Francisssss, he loves you ssssssso very much, with all his heart. And he wantsssss just the same. And mossssst of all lissssten to me. I know who you are, I ssssee who you are, I undersssssstand who you are, I love who you are. 

Don’t lisssssten to your father. Thaddeusssss Dowling is wrong to ssssay that you’re a disssappointment. He’s wrong to be angry at you when your interessssstssss differ from his. He is an ignorant, thoughtlessssss perssssson.

Sssssso when he talkssssss to you, don’t lisssssten to him. Think of me telling you how wonderful you are, jusssssst the way you are right now. Remember that I will always accccept you, no matter what you like or don’t like, no matter your name or gender or body or ability or anything. When he tries to tell you how wrong you are for being who you are and liking what you like, don’t listen to him. You listen to ME!

I went to November 5th bonfires. Sometimes it snaps and pops, sometimes it roars. Sometimes it hisses. She was whispering, but I saw all the fire in her, it was roaring anyway. 

I felt like the fire was for me. Like a 4th of July just for me. Declaration of Hellspawn Rights. So I said yes yes YES!! I will.


End file.
